The following true stories were copied from a message board thread on vivalavinyl.org because they needed to be preserved for posterity. Every single one of these stories was written by a seriously cool Canadian man in his mid-20s who goes by the username “davesecretary“.

These stories are about growing up in a small Canadian town, Aylmer, Quebec. They are all thoroughly entertaining. Most of them use strong language. They are presented below in their original form: IN ALL CAPS. (Note: Even though I think the caps and misspellings add to their character, you can click here for a corrected version of these stories.)

Member lazy shell said: “The caps make me feel like I’m running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important.”

Stories that I found particularly entertaining are marked “AWESOME“

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Down the farm roads we went, threading along the Iowa-Missouri border, leaving a plume of back road powder in our wake. We were bent on getting lost and had made good on the plan. We drifted through an endless maze of corn and watched as the sun dipped low and set its own path toward Nebraska.

There’s nothing quite like corn country to set your mind right, to empty it out and fill it back up with soft thoughts and gentle notions. This was exactly what we needed, seeing as how we were swapping our life in San Francisco for a new one in Chicago. Sure, we could’ve hopped on a plane and jumped straight into the new world. But it seems wrong to jerk the mind around with such violence. So we meandered toward our new life instead, a soft breeze at our back bumper and an uncertain sky ahead. (read more @ stray matter)

It’s the tail end of the lunch shift. I pretend to watch the office girls walking past the front window as I eavesdrop on two of my customers. I know that’s not very polite but it’s an interesting conversation. Besides, I’m bored. “I don’t know,” the younger of the two men says. “I thought Id be happier at this stage in my life.”

“What’s the problem?” the older man sitting across from him asks. “You’ve already made all the money you’re ever going to need.”

“Yeah,” the younger man says sadly. “But being rich isn’t all I thought it was cracked up to be.”

“It never is.”

There’s a long pause. Finally the younger man says. “My wife’s upset that we don’t have children. The doctors say we probably can’t.” (more…)

Last night I discovered a man, maybe he’s in his 70’s, maybe he’s 80 - doing Taekwondo by the East River. After a quick introduction, we get to talking, or rather he gets to talking. He is happy to demonstrate Taekwondo but more than that - he is like a lot of the old people I meet - or maybe it’s all people I meet - he claims to know all secrets of the human heart, as well as the human brain. He has the answer to all of the world’s problems.

He is French. His name is Jean-Paul. And he is on his seventh trip around the world.

I believe him. Of course, I believe just about anyone. And then he rattles on for about a half hour while I click some portraits of him. He finally concludes with the wizard-like pronouncement that Americans are spoiled, that we are terrorists, and that what this country needs is a good military government. (more…)

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn’t one of those “had to be there” things.

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.

Me: “Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”
Guy: “Is that it?”
Me: “Yep.”
Guy: “That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”
Me: “No, it’s to go.” [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

Guy: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.” (more…)